Coming Out: The Family Edition

Some months ago, it began. One of my relatives found me on Facebook. Since then, I've accepted friend requests from any blood relation who added me, yet our interaction in both digital and physical life has been minimal.

I briefly wondered, worried even, about some of the things I routinely posted on subjects that openly discussed what my family has already known about me, but never addressed directly since I left home. I passively waited for some Wall Post asking questions…or something. I write "passively", but in truth, I'd actively disengaged myself years ago.

Somewhere in the decade of my estrangement, something shifted. I'm not entirely sure what. But, I'm grateful for it. I love my family. I think of them more often than they could ever know. I haven't consciously needed them, but upon our reacquaintance, I'm moved by their addition to my current life.

I look forward to revisiting old familial bonds with the freedom I now possess; I want nothing from my family, and I'm excited by all they have to offer. When I released my desire for the Norman Rockwell family mythos I'd yearned for, it opened me up, freed me from grasping and shifted my focus to what was already in my hands.

I am surrounded by love. Through great trial and tribulation, my concept of family has broadened to include folks who simply share my species, my beliefs, if not my blood. And, that is enough. Yet, I'm open to so much more. There's room at the table for everyone.

My youngest aunt sent out a mass email to her contact list, informing family and friends of a new addition to their communication circle. My favorite cousin replied, adding my name to the list. She used my old name.

I decided on a brief note, reminding her of my name change, and that details would be forthcoming if she wanted them. She did! What follows is my response:

Sonya,

Details (the short version): I no longer identify as a man. I'm happily male-bodied with no desire to change my sex. However, I tired of the constrictive gender binary system and sought to remove myself from it. Hence, the gender neutral "Lark". I spent too many years and tears trying to live up to identities I hadn't (at the time) realized I'd never chosen in the first place.

In opting out of manhood, I embraced personhood. Who was I? Who did I want to be without concern of being too feminine/masculine, white/black, gay/straight, and countless other dichotomies? I enjoy the freedom from these boundaries. It's allowed me to thoroughly examine how to be the best person I can be, on my terms, and no one else's.

You're welcome to forward this message to anyone you'd like, if you'd like. No obligations.

Be well,

Lark

I ask, you tell

When talking about HIV disclosure, it might benefit everyone to zoom out and think outside of the "HIV paradigm" for a change and focus instead on overall wellness. A bit of wordsmithing might help, too, if we swap out "HIV disclosure" for "STI info exchange". All this talk of HIV disclosure often leads to folks not discussing anything else besides HIV and that fails to address the big picture of both public and individual health. There is a middle ground here.

We all know the danger of stigmatization. We all know the desire to reduce new infections (hopefully, of any kind). If we bear this in mind at all times, all parties will be focused on their own personal health promotion. There is no reason that folks who believe they don't have HIV shouldn't be considering the broader concept of wellness and protection. Ditto for folks who know they have HIV.

Condoms help prevent HIV, but focusing on condoms as the sole source of our safety and protection fails to address the fundamental processes of how we make our choices and what motivates our decisions. The overwhelming majority of my clients have used a condom in the last 12 months. These are the same folks that have also decided in the same period of time to have anal sex sans condom. Asking someone the last time they had sex without a condom, and asking someone the last time they felt they likely put themselves at risk during sex, will often yield two distinctly different responses.

Condoms are not protection incarnate. Condoms are a form of protection. The sooner we (publicly) acknowledge that reality, the sooner folks can focus on making sure they are always using some form of protection, regardless of condom use. Condoms are effective at preventing many STIs; however, they don't provide 100% protection against herpes and syphilis. Furthermore, if we allow people to go on having oral sex without condoms with the mindset that they're having "unprotected sex" because they're not using condoms, we also enable them to stop thinking about protection outside the "condom box", such as a broader conversation about STIs in general and a discussion with partners on their personal sexual health promotion plans.

This is dangerous.

Equally dangerous is the mindset that HIV-positive folks have no other sexual health concerns now that they're positive. This is probably why we're seeing such large numbers of poz gay men with gonorrhea. They're not using condoms because they've had it drilled into them that condoms are (primarily) for preventing HIV, and if they're serosorting and only sleeping with other poz guys, they no longer have to concern themselves with "safe sex".

Safe sex is informed sex. We all make different choices when we have different information. We must encourage folks to figure out what information matters to them. I hope we rise above the ethical quicksand of "HIV disclosure" and embrace an idealistic reality that folks make good choices when they have good information. Folks need to be more conscious of decisions regarding their sexual health and have a set of criteria for what informs those decisions. These criteria should be developed by the individual, acknowledging their agency and ability to navigate their desires rationally, on their terms.

Get tested (for everything) and get talking.

25

1. I'm not nearly as extroverted as I come across. For all that I'm comfortable sharing, I'm a private person.
2. I spent years doing theatre and I briefly studied opera. (I'm a basso profundo.)
3. Graduating valedictorian in 8th grade, I held the record for most suspensions.
4. I lived in abject terror as a child, until I got smart and accustomed myself to the immutable situation, giving my adrenal glands a rest in the process. The State removed me from my home years too late, just to return me. My childhood domestic abuse required years of speech therapy, though my chipped tooth and wrist scar are, ironically, both from accidents. (After ten years of estrangement, I finally added Mother to my speed-dial.)
5. I compartmentalize everything: My heart and my mind belong to two discrete political parties. Not surprisingly, what I find aesthetically pleasing in another person rarely translates to sexual attraction; conversely, what I find physically attractive doesn't usually appeal to my visual taste. (However, given enough time and thought, I can turn anyone into the object of my desire.) Only once have I been sexually abused by someone I found attractive. I own several albums from vocalists I can't stand who pen phenomenal lyrics and write beautiful instrumental parts.
6. I feel closest to G-D and the rest of humanity when dancing, and I've been paid to do so in various states of undress. I've been known to cry when dancing or experiencing any artistic medium. (Though I was a raver, I never did Ecstasy.)
7. I prefer houses to condominiums.
8. I was raised in a conservative Southern Baptist household, but went to a predominantly Jewish high school. (Coincidentally, I have a thing for Jews with Southern accents.)
9. The first crush that I can remember was on Dark Heart, from the second Care Bears movie. (I've always been enamored with repentant sociopaths.)
10. I used to write lyrics for industrial, hip-hop, and folk songs. (But, my favorite music to listen to is lyric free and in a minor key, even though I have a word fetish.)
11. I spent the week leading up to my 18th birthday institutionalized for my sexuality. (I whiled the week away counseling my fellow inmates.)
12. My life's ambition is to run my own social services non-profit organization, to eventually be the US Secretary of Education, and to be a parent. (Paradoxically, I really wish I were a monk.)
13. I think of myself as Orlando Ndegéocello Lark, but introduce myself as Lark.
14. I received both my GED and Ivy League recruitment letters in the same mailbox. This makes me self-conscious in some conflicting ways. Regardless, I love being the most ignorant person in the room as it gives me an opportunity to learn more.
15. I'm a hopeful romantic: I still have my favorite valentine, a layered 2-dimensional handmade representation of a four-chambered heart; I've also had my wedding planned for almost a decade. (My funeral, too.)
16. I enjoy writing poetry and came out onstage while performing at my high school poetry slam when I was 16.
17. I'm vegetarian. (I refuse to assassinate mosquitoes, but I have a penchant for leather.) My favorite beverages are cow's milk and water (separately).
18. I've a keen interest in various esoteric branches of Judæo-Christianity, particularly Gnosticism. I learned how to read from the Protestant Christian Bible at age 2. The first novel I read was Stephen King's "It" in kindergarten. (There is a connection, I assure you.)
19. I've beaten people for money (at their request). I've also been set aflame (with my consent). I have other fetishes that I shall not list here. I am a private person, after all.
20. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom as a child. (It was the only door with a lock.) I spent most of my childhood alone, when possible.
21. It would take immortality to sate my lust for literature, music, and film. (I read every volume of the World Book Encyclopedias as a child, own over 700 physical CDs, and almost a hundred DVDs.) I read the world and national news every morning. (Important local news trickles down.) I haven't had a television for eleven years, but the amount of time I spend in front of a computer screen precludes any self-righteousness. I own complete series that I've never seen on a television. HBO on DVD, anyone?
22. My twin was flushed down the toilet before I was born.
23. Sometimes, I have relapsing control issues with my weight.
24. I'm making a third of what I used to—if that—and I've never been happier!
25. I have no concept of time. None. At all. Whatsoever. My memory is a spilled box of jumbled Polaroids, with little continuity. Despite this, I can relive all my memories with astonishing emotional detail.